Knowing There Are No Guarantees…Helps Relationships

Glaen shares a number of lies and countering truths about marriage, romance, and relationships in general. I’ll share a few of these from time to time. Here’s a very strategic one:

Lie #3
If you will follow the right process, you
will be guaranteed a good marriage.

Why is this helpful? Well, simply put, it keeps you away from the temptation to manipulate others. Think about it…do you like to be controlled? Nor do I (or your boyfriend /girlfriend/etc. Control is largely a function of being afraid of outcomes we’ve ‘imagined’ will happen. This is a lot of the motivation behind trying to force behavior in kids (we want them to turn out OK). Yet, this is also why we feel treated like ‘kids’ by others…and they are only doing it for our own good 🙂

Relationships are destroyed because people are trying to force things to work. When you are busy forcing change or behaviors you think will ‘help’— you are actually getting far away from the good principles that will lead you along.

You might as well face it (apologies to Robert Palmer)…your addicted to control.

But this will mostly go away if you can just own up to the fact that you really don’t know the future! You can’t guarantee it. You can’t force it to happen. But, what you can do is learn to live wisely. Inviting change and co-work on the relationship is wise. Making the other person behave right…is stupid (if you want a real relationship).

It really is that simple. People don’t stay in relationships where they are controlled all the time, though they will stay in a relationship if they think they are the one doing the controlling.

Just give up on knowing the future for the next week…and watch the delight in your life as you chill in your relating.

Grace,

Fred Lybrand

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Dating vs. Courting (Part 2)

From GLAEN, p. 26

Relationship Field Book Journal

Theory 2: Courting
…An old-fashioned prelude to marriage being
re-popularized by some Christians. Courting is
defined by Webster’s as, “to engage in social
activities leading to engagement and marriage.”

At first blush the idea of courting makes a lot of sense.  Doesn’t it make sense to take interacting with the opposite sex as something a little more directed than just having fun till the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard?

Unfortunately, the way it is played out reminds me of my dad’s words of wisdom, “Son, if you are in the ditch, and get out of the ditch and cross the road to the other ditch…you’re still in the ditch.”  Well, many times going from serial dating to courting turns out to be a ditch-to-ditch phenomenon.  I personally have been connected to courting disasters…all well meaning.

The challenge with courting is that it somewhat requires you to ‘commit before your commit’.  In other words, since you are entering the relationship with both eyes (or all four) on marriage, you really need to know that the persons involved are a match for marriage.  The problem is that they rarely really know each other.  So, in the process of getting to know each other they may discover it isn’t a ‘match’ (Glaen gets you started on how to find out if it is a match or not)— but, the wedding invitations have already been bought and mailed.  Well, you get the idea.

Of course, stopping at any point before marriages happens with all kinds of strategies.  But isn’t that sort of the point?  We can tend to elevate the idea of being married (successfully I might add) over actually being committed to (or yea, even love) the person we are considering marrying.

Is there a better way?  I think so… and we might as well call it the ‘way of truth’.  If we follow the truth, and are true to ourselves; we wind up being very attractive to someone who likes who we really are (since we aren’t putting on an act or trying to make something work).  We might want to face it someday— relationships are a gamble; but being true to yourself and finding someone who is the same way is a good a shot at bliss!

Billy Joel penned these words for the song ‘Just the Way You Are‘,

Don’t go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are

Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

Of course, Billy Joel wrote these words as a birthday present for his now-divorced-from first wife (he split with his 3rd wife in the summer of 2009)…so, as we all know both ‘singing it’ and ‘pulling it off’ can be quite a challenge.

While the words might make some sense at the start of a relationship, they do have two inherent problems:

1.  What if you actually do want someone who is clever in conversation?

2.  Isn’t the person now obligated to ‘never change’ because that is the condition of love the singer established?

Seriously, new hair, new fashions, clever conversation, and complaining that he don’t talk enough will drive the guy singing the song up the wall!

We all tend to grow (we hope) which means you actually may need to renew your commitment and love many times as you build a life with another person.  Being genuine and truthful gives you a much better shot at ‘guaranteeing success’ in a relationship than either serial dating or the premature commitment that often comes with courting.

What to here more?

Go to www.GLAEN.com

Blessing,

Fred Lybrand

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Dating vs. Courting (Part 1)

From GLAEN, p. 25

Relationship Field Book Journal
Dating:  “having a good time getting to know each other” (referring to guy & girl)
–Jennah

So, here is a journal entry from Glaen out of the mouth of one of Annie’s best friends, Jennah.  Jennah is caught in what we might think of as ‘serial dating’— you know, going through relationship after relationship (like a serial killer, etc.)

Most of us think this is the way to go, but you can tell by the methodology is isn’t very like to help you find a long-term mate if that is what you are wanting in life.  A long-term relationship has some foundational component of commitment, where ‘serial dating’ is really quite throw-away in its approach.  It is amazing how your definition will determine so much (remember my last blog!).  If dating is all about ‘having a good time’ then that can easily turn in  a funny direction.  This is probably why there is an old joke or two out there about a girl you’d like to date vs. a girl you’d like to marry (or guy…).

There is something important in DTR (defining the relationship), but if it were defined better from the beginning you wouldn’t have to stop in the middle of it and break up!

Start here: What am I up to?

Yes, what are you up to in dating?  What are you up to in the relationship?  Are you ready to be committed and get married?  If not, why are you in a short-term committed relationship?  Jennah’s definition isn’t too bad since it is good to get to know others.  But frankly, it quickly turns into a set of expectations about marriage, children, growing old together, etc.

Why not just be honest with others?  Where are you?  What are you ready for?  If you are not ready, why are you playing like you are?

Some people have sought to conquer the issue with something called ‘courting’—which is all about commitment.

So, on one extreme, Cheryl Crow weighs in with words from her music:
All I wanna do is have some fun
Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard

On the other side there is Art Garfunkel’s remake hit of 1975:

You are here
So am I
Maybe millions of people go by,
but they all disappear from view.
And I Only Have Eyes For You.

Where is a real relationship?….see you next time!

Fred Lybrand

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2 Things You Need to Know for a Great Love Affair

Greetings,

One of the essentials explored in GLAEN is about the two things you need for a complete love relationship.  Now, I know there are arranged marriages around the world that work just fine…but I’m talking about when you decide, make a choice, commit.  Also, some of you reading this just need to tuck the info away for ‘someday’— if you are not about to get married, then you are being a little silly working on it now.  Let’s face it, you don’t study for your finals at the beginning of the semester, do you?

But, when it’s time, how do you know it’s the right one?  Well, credit to Robert Fritz especially, but a relationship needs two thing:

1.  Chemistry

2.  Basis

I remember Josh McDowell used to say that you shouldn’t marry someone you can live with, but someone you can’t live without.  Well, that could overstate it, but you really should LIKE the other person.  You should be attracted.  They should ‘do it’ for you— you know, be someone who doesn’t totally gross you out!  CHEMISTRY, however, isn’t the whole ball of wax.  In fact, isn’t that what most people do…obsess on someone they find exciting?  You know, if all you have is chemistry, then love will be misunderstood as simply the feelings of a moment.  Chemistry alone will just tempt you to move from person-to-person.  And, frankly, there’s nothing lasting in that! [Warning…I believe if the chemistry is too much, meaning you completely lose your mind  and would do anything to get their love, then it really IS NOT a match.  In this situation the chemistry is a home-made bomb that will likely never let you be your true self on the way to blowing everything up!  For a sad example see the story of a lady getting surgery to look like Jessica Alba to win back her boyfriend]

The second thing you need to know for a Great Love Affair (again, when it is time for one) is BASIS.

The basis for a relationship has to do with Building a Life together.  A basis is about things like values and worldview.  What matter to you?  Do you want to live in the country or a city?  Big town or little town?  What are your religious beliefs?  What about having children?  How about standards of living, job commitments, etc.?  These are really questions about deal-killers.  Face it, if you are a committed Christian then marrying an Islamic Fundamentalist or an Atheist probably isn’t going to work.  How could it?

Those may sound like extremes, but here’s a simple insight for you:

If it is something that is so important to you that you won’t compromise, then it is a deal-killer.

Of course, why build a life of compromise?  Why not find someone with whom you have both chemistry and basis?  Look, you get who you get…and trying to change them is the last thing they want from you!

To learn more….Read GLAEN

Blessings,

Fred Lybrand

P.S. Amazon starts shipping GLAEN on February 16, 2009

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