Glaen shares a number of lies and countering truths about marriage, romance, and relationships in general. I’ll share a few of these from time to time. Here’s a very strategic one:
Lie #3
If you will follow the right process, you
will be guaranteed a good marriage.
Why is this helpful? Well, simply put, it keeps you away from the temptation to manipulate others. Think about it…do you like to be controlled? Nor do I (or your boyfriend /girlfriend/etc. Control is largely a function of being afraid of outcomes we’ve ‘imagined’ will happen. This is a lot of the motivation behind trying to force behavior in kids (we want them to turn out OK). Yet, this is also why we feel treated like ‘kids’ by others…and they are only doing it for our own good 🙂
Relationships are destroyed because people are trying to force things to work. When you are busy forcing change or behaviors you think will ‘help’— you are actually getting far away from the good principles that will lead you along.
You might as well face it (apologies to Robert Palmer)…your addicted to control.
But this will mostly go away if you can just own up to the fact that you really don’t know the future! You can’t guarantee it. You can’t force it to happen. But, what you can do is learn to live wisely. Inviting change and co-work on the relationship is wise. Making the other person behave right…is stupid (if you want a real relationship).
It really is that simple. People don’t stay in relationships where they are controlled all the time, though they will stay in a relationship if they think they are the one doing the controlling.
Just give up on knowing the future for the next week…and watch the delight in your life as you chill in your relating.
Grace,
Fred Lybrand
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I agree. After 28 years, we are separated and done. I had the thoughts, “but I did what I was suppose to do.” Humm. Big deal. It didn’t do anything but cause me to lose myself and live on auto pilot for way too long. My fault.
Now I get to begin again!
Fred,
While letting this sit in my email for a few days, I look back on the wisdom you share in this posting. If only, so many people who are currently in relationships could view this, I wonder how that may change things for the better for all of them.
This is so true, now that I can look back at all my past relationships and in reviewing the breakups, this is completely true, that people don’t want to be in controlling relationships. In every one of them, when it got to be too controlling, it ended. No questions to ask.
Even looking at my daughter’s relationships of the past, this applies as well, either she was or he was and it ended.
Just another piece of wonderful advice I am going to make sure gets passed along to all the wonderful teens I come into contact with when they ask the question, “What am I doing wrong that I can’t get relationships to work?”
Love and Hugs ~ Kat
You know…I probably need to post a thought on the fact that we don’t have to learn everything firsthand! I know the pain I’ve been through has allowed the kids to avoid the hard experience of lessons by just learning them from my example.
I have a cousin who played he was Superman…and ran through a wall of fire he made with gasoline—burned most of his body! He’s OK, but I don’t have to try it myself!
Same with control…perhaps they’ll just learn from our hard lessons…???
Grace,
Fred Lybrand
This is so true, now that I can look back at all my past relationships and in reviewing the breakups, this is completely true, that people don’t want to be in controlling relationships. In every one of them, when it got to be too controlling, it ended. No questions to ask.
+1
Only the one who goes through it knows the best. It can be difficult at times to keep relationship running when you know you are being told untruths and false stories and just because you still see something positive in your relation, you take all those stories in your stride. I agree that we better start afresh rather than making adjustments all the time.
[…] The real problem, which is fully explained in the book GLAEN, is that people are trying to create guarantees where there are no guarantees. The truth is that realizing there are no guarantees helps the relationship! […]