Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘marital happiness’

Many of you know my book Glaen: A Novel Message on Romance, Love, and Relating came out this year.  As a special promotion, the EBOOK is available for FREE until January 9, 2011.  This special promotion gets you in line for the free Small Group Study that accompanies the book.  Of course, the hope is to get the ‘buzz’ to pick up even more for the book…and to get small groups using the material.  Glaen is a novel that takes on a Christian re-thinking of dating, courting, relating, and marriage…in the format of a novel.

Here is a note I received this week:

Hi, Mr. Lybrand!I actually finished Glaen the first day I started it! I believe I finished it in about 2 hours or so. I took notes, re-read it again a day or so later, and will re-read it yet again soon. I loved it.I loved the method for finding deep truths, even if they aren’t that incredibly hard to think of or understand. I gave a mini teaching of it/ discussion with my girls (youth group girls that I’m partly in charge of mentoring and leading) at 3:00am on New Year’s morning. (We were having a sleepover.)The next day when we were having lunch at Culver’s, I noticed that some of the girls at a table near me were having an argument on a tough subject that was bringing frustration and not really cutting to some of the core of the issue. I put to use many of the truths from your book, and the argument was resolved. Mostly what was needed were “just definitions” and a bit of love. I had been learning just before reading this book that I needed to know the exact truth opposite of the lies. Knowing the lies themselves isn’t good enough. This was a huge help! When I thought about it, it was as if I had known these truths in part, but since I couldn’t define them for myself, I couldn’t particularly focus on living them out better, or pray for help on living it.

I have seriously seen a change in myself since reading this book, and I can’t wait to see the change in others. I am so excited about learning more and more truths, now and all throughout the rest of my life!

Thank you!

Blessings,

~ Rachel E. Payauys

Honestly, there are just a few days left…so please go to the site www.glaen.com and sign up.

Also, feel free to pass this along.

God bless,

Fred Lybrand

www.glaen.com

P.S.  Most of all…I’d like your feedback after you’ve read it!

Read Full Post »

So, Jerry Springer has another show called, “Baggage.”

I’ve got to admit, it is actually pretty interesting to see contestants work on a decision to go on a first date as they learn a few secret flaws in one another. I confess I haven’t been much of a fan of Springer in the past, and I don’t know that Baggage will win me over. I’ve always thought we should have a bumper sticker based on Springer’s other show. The sticker would simply say, “Dysfunction is not a Competition.”
Well, in keeping with his game, we have a new form of dysfunction-is-competition from Mr. Springer. But first, on the good side, Jerry always tries to bring some moral lesson to light in terms of tolerance, forgiveness, and remembering we are all flawed humans. I honestly think he believes what he’s saying— but his delivery system for the message is pretty much just entertainment with a generous portion of hype.
The Point is Good
The point of telling the truth and learning the awful secrets we all (supposedly) have is right on. Surely we should all do ‘due diligence’ to find out what kind of person we are moving toward building a life with. Surprises are great when they are good, but awful when they are bad. Getting couples to tell the truth makes sense and seems harmless enough, right?


The Point is Bad

Unfortunately, off the bat most of us can understand that divulging our ‘baggage’ to other people we don’t know on national television is, to say the least, bad form. To do so with an eye on deciding to go on a date is just downright silly. The silliness is multiplied by the artificial nature of of a TV show and a dopamine-driven audience which could just as easily be at
WrestleMania. My apologies to the memory of Andre the Giant.
Some Perspective
I make the case in Glaen: A Novel Message on Romance, Love, and Relating, that there are two things that go into a great long-lasting relationship:

  1. Chemistry
  2. Basis

Chemistry has to do with whether or not there is any attraction or connection with the other person. Basis has to do with the shared values needed to build a life together. Basis is really about understanding if there are any deal-killers in play. You know, if you don’t want to have any children and your spouse-to-be wants lots of children—well there’s a problem! It really can be anything and it is important to tell the truth. Yet, on a first date and on national television; don’t you have to wonder if it’s a fair shake? People actually grow sometimes and yet, some do not! I watched an episode that had as the ‘baggage’ a final unveiling that our contestant would never move out of his momma’s house because she cooked, cleaned, and could babysit the kids as they grew up. All I could think about is that at least The Waterboy (Adam Sandler) moved out of his momma’s house. Here are a few of the questions I’ve been asked about Springer’s Baggage show:

  • How soon is too soon to tell the truth?
  • Do you freak out the other person on the first date?
  • Is it OK to keep some secrets (even if you end up getting married)?
  • How is the best way to discuss “baggage” without overreacting?
  • Should some things be “deal-breakers”?  How do you know if you honestly want to know?

Well, clearly there isn’t much of a point freaking out the other person on the first date; only a person with issues would like that! Basically, I can’t see the wisdom in continuing to date someone you know for a fact you would never marry. That is just ridiculously unkind unless they get it too and agree. Of course, then it really isn’t quit dating; rather, it’s a couple of folks sharing a rent car for companionship on a drive to getting dropped off at the Match.com national headquarters.

I believe the more truth the better, but I would offer a couple of boundaries:

  1. The other person honestly wants to know the truth
  2. It’s private (respectful)

Forcing information on someone who doesn’t want to know the gory details is not actually showing much respect for their freedom. Blabbing it out in front of a crowd does show much respect for the relationship. I get it, Springer’s show is a gag…but people can turn gags into grandiose experiments. Why not just ask if they want to know? They may not, but you are
better for offering.
Glaen is the unfolding story of someone learning what real relating is all about, all the while avoiding the 7 Fatal Mistakes of Dating. It does involve being true to yourself and and truthful to the other person. You’ll never get there without the truth, but Springer’s approach overshoots the runway by two canyons and a bottomless lake.
I’d recommend a careful reading of Glaen, but you can watch Springer for one simple reason; there is a macabre comfort in seeing that your baggage isn’t as bizarre at least one other person. You might also see why the person you’ve got (or may have soon) ain’t so bad!

Remember: Dysfunction is not a competition!

Read Full Post »

The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE #7

Read Full Post »

The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE #5

Read Full Post »

The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE # 3

Read Full Post »

The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE # 2

Have the Wrong Goal
✔ Dating just to have fun is a dead end. You really need to have a long term
relationship in mind for it to last.

Read Full Post »

“JUST DEFINITIONS EITHER PREVENT OR PUT AN END TO DISPUTES” – Emmons

from GLAEN (page 17)

Want to quickly stop a fight?  Get all the definitions on the table.

Why would clear definitions end disputes?

It seems easy enough—it’s because you’ll both know what you are talking about.  It is quite striking that people get into arguments by simply misunderstanding one another.  What an easy thing for us all to do; to assume we know what the other person is talking about!  I remember a silly event that got me so mad at the age of 13 that I couldn’t see straight.  My Scout Master (boy scouts) one day said to me that a man is not an animal.  Preposterous!  We aren’t plants or minerals, what else could we be?  We argued about it until I got one of my merit badge books out that showed man was an ‘animal’.

Well, if I had been older and wiser I could have avoided all of that conflict (which I never won anyway).  I could have asked an unusually insightful question:

What do you mean by _____________________? (in this case, ‘animal’)

Well, my dear Scout Master (we called him Old Gray for completely apparent reasons) would have said something like, “God made mankind in His own image and gave us dominion over the animals.  So an animal is really a brute beast and doesn’t have a soul in the same sense we talk of human beings.”

Then I could have said, “Oh, no, man is not an animal like that.”  Instead, he meant one thing and I meant another…so we battled.  Of course, he like my dad, love to watch me get mad [glad I have no issues from it!] because I was ‘funny’ when angry.

I experienced a similar debate about ‘interpretation’ with a friend and mentor named Robert Fritz.  It didn’t take us long because we knew of the value of the question WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY…. ? Robert was talking about artistic interpretation (as with a singer’s interpretation of a song), while I was talking about the science of discerning the meaning from a sentence / passage of literature.  Once it was clear we were fine.

How about you in relationships with friends, lovers, or loved ones?  Do you ever ask what do you mean?  I mean, of course be nice about it.  But just simply getting to the point of defining terms is life-changing.  Start getting this question in your lingo and you’ll find magic happens!

In fact, you can also go so far as to ask someone, “Hey, could we define our terms here?” They shouldn’t mind…and soon, if you disagree at all, you’ll know exactly what it you are disagreeing about without the fluff!

For Relating,

Fred Lybrand (on behalf of Glaen)

Read Full Post »

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.