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Posts Tagged ‘falling in love’

Many of you know my book Glaen: A Novel Message on Romance, Love, and Relating came out this year.  As a special promotion, the EBOOK is available for FREE until January 9, 2011.  This special promotion gets you in line for the free Small Group Study that accompanies the book.  Of course, the hope is to get the ‘buzz’ to pick up even more for the book…and to get small groups using the material.  Glaen is a novel that takes on a Christian re-thinking of dating, courting, relating, and marriage…in the format of a novel.

Here is a note I received this week:

Hi, Mr. Lybrand!I actually finished Glaen the first day I started it! I believe I finished it in about 2 hours or so. I took notes, re-read it again a day or so later, and will re-read it yet again soon. I loved it.I loved the method for finding deep truths, even if they aren’t that incredibly hard to think of or understand. I gave a mini teaching of it/ discussion with my girls (youth group girls that I’m partly in charge of mentoring and leading) at 3:00am on New Year’s morning. (We were having a sleepover.)The next day when we were having lunch at Culver’s, I noticed that some of the girls at a table near me were having an argument on a tough subject that was bringing frustration and not really cutting to some of the core of the issue. I put to use many of the truths from your book, and the argument was resolved. Mostly what was needed were “just definitions” and a bit of love. I had been learning just before reading this book that I needed to know the exact truth opposite of the lies. Knowing the lies themselves isn’t good enough. This was a huge help! When I thought about it, it was as if I had known these truths in part, but since I couldn’t define them for myself, I couldn’t particularly focus on living them out better, or pray for help on living it.

I have seriously seen a change in myself since reading this book, and I can’t wait to see the change in others. I am so excited about learning more and more truths, now and all throughout the rest of my life!

Thank you!

Blessings,

~ Rachel E. Payauys

Honestly, there are just a few days left…so please go to the site www.glaen.com and sign up.

Also, feel free to pass this along.

God bless,

Fred Lybrand

www.glaen.com

P.S.  Most of all…I’d like your feedback after you’ve read it!

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No More Manipulation

The Key to Authentic Relationships

By Fred R. Lybrand

How do you find the right person for a romantic relationship? Once you’ve found that individual, how do you figure out if he or she is the one God ultimately wants you to marry? And for that matter, how do you learn to relate authentically so you can actually get to know each other and decide whether you belong together?

These questions have eternal implications. If you get married, so many major elements of your future—your place of residence, work, children, and grandchildren (not to mention the dreams, joys, suffering, and hopes you’ll experience) are all connected to this one “simple” factor: the person who will be your partner in building a life together.

Since the stakes are high, it’s no surprise that for many, the focus of dating (or courting) as well as prayer about a future spouse tend to be on trying to secure guarantees, even from God. You might find yourself hoping that compatibility on personality tests, family background, and degrees or jobs, along with a by-the-book courtship and engagement will insure the success of your marriage—and that it will be better than other marriages. Or, because you’re so focused on guaranteeing the future with the person you feel is “the one,” you begin to treat dating like marriage. This presumes a depth of commitment and relational identity that isn’t appropriate and, in turn, invites jealousy and possessiveness.

I’ve known far too many people who focused on doing all the “right” things but whose courtship or marriage didn’t work out. The truth is, no one formula comes with a surefire guarantee. And that’s because relationships, contrary to what many would like to think, aren’t built on formulas.

The way to counter such misconceptions is to focus on truth. If you’re sincerely open to what the Lord wants for your life, you can relinquish trying to be in control. Then you’ll be free to relate genuinely to others and will enjoy healthier, more authentic relationships. You’ll also experience greater freedom as you walk on the path God opens up for you.

LIE #1: If you follow the right process, you’ll have a successful marriage.

TRUTH: When you fall into the trap of trying to guarantee how your partnership will go, the future becomes the focus in everything you do. But then you stop living in the present, where relating really happens. This is not to say that thinking about the future is bad; it’s actually important. But if it’s the main focus, and you spend all of your energy planning and scheming, you’ll likely miss out on truly connecting.

Married couples can actually do the same thing in a different way. If they concentrate all their energy and time on securing their future retirement, it’s easy to miss out on enjoying and working on their relationship in the present. If something doesn’t go as planned (like a health crisis or collapsed investments), they might not even get to enjoy their saved wealth or free time—and nothing can buy back the years they missed out on each other.

Only the Lord knows your future. By coming to terms with that truth, you can start to rest in Him and give up on manipulating the outcome. You may even start to enjoy the friendship as it is in the present!

LIE #2: If we act just the right way and say just the right things, we can get others to respond the way we want.

TRUTH: Control-free relating derives from simply speaking the truth in love (Eph. 4:15), with no agenda. Truth is the lifeblood of real relationships. When you’re not preoccupied with what to say next or how to elicit a certain response, you can start connecting effectively and actually get to know each other.

Often, people chain relationships to personal goals. When this happens, you are motivated by an agenda that is self-serving, and the partnership is no longer balanced. Furthermore, if you use the other party to achieve a personal goal but don’t admit it to yourself or that individual, your friendship becomes dishonest. This is fertile ground for problems.

Manipulation occurs when you’re not acting truthfully and as a result aren’t supporting the other person. If you insist that he or she act or react a certain way, you harm the possibility of genuine connection (something which can occur only when you both speak truth).

It takes two people for manipulation to happen, though. Even if only one person is overtly controlling, the other is enabling. Both types of dysfunction are serious hindrances to a healthy union.

In order to connect genuinely with someone else, it is essential that you communicate what you honestly think, and that you act without any pretense. And allowing the other person to do likewise produces trust—which is the key ingredient for healthy love. Truth, love, and freedom are the basis for strong, successful relationships.

Are you inadvertently derailing healthy relationships? In his book Glaen: A Novel Message on Romance, Love, & Relating, Dr. Fred Lybrand offers insight and advice in this unique and fun-to-read story. To purchase, visit our online bookstore or call Customer Care at 1-800-789-1473  (US) or 1-800-323-3747 (Canada).

Glaen

Softcover | $15 (U.S.)

THIS ARTICLE COMES FROM IN TOUCH MAGAZINE: http://www.intouch.org/magazine/content/topic/no_more_manipulation

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So, Jerry Springer has another show called, “Baggage.”

I’ve got to admit, it is actually pretty interesting to see contestants work on a decision to go on a first date as they learn a few secret flaws in one another. I confess I haven’t been much of a fan of Springer in the past, and I don’t know that Baggage will win me over. I’ve always thought we should have a bumper sticker based on Springer’s other show. The sticker would simply say, “Dysfunction is not a Competition.”
Well, in keeping with his game, we have a new form of dysfunction-is-competition from Mr. Springer. But first, on the good side, Jerry always tries to bring some moral lesson to light in terms of tolerance, forgiveness, and remembering we are all flawed humans. I honestly think he believes what he’s saying— but his delivery system for the message is pretty much just entertainment with a generous portion of hype.
The Point is Good
The point of telling the truth and learning the awful secrets we all (supposedly) have is right on. Surely we should all do ‘due diligence’ to find out what kind of person we are moving toward building a life with. Surprises are great when they are good, but awful when they are bad. Getting couples to tell the truth makes sense and seems harmless enough, right?


The Point is Bad

Unfortunately, off the bat most of us can understand that divulging our ‘baggage’ to other people we don’t know on national television is, to say the least, bad form. To do so with an eye on deciding to go on a date is just downright silly. The silliness is multiplied by the artificial nature of of a TV show and a dopamine-driven audience which could just as easily be at
WrestleMania. My apologies to the memory of Andre the Giant.
Some Perspective
I make the case in Glaen: A Novel Message on Romance, Love, and Relating, that there are two things that go into a great long-lasting relationship:

  1. Chemistry
  2. Basis

Chemistry has to do with whether or not there is any attraction or connection with the other person. Basis has to do with the shared values needed to build a life together. Basis is really about understanding if there are any deal-killers in play. You know, if you don’t want to have any children and your spouse-to-be wants lots of children—well there’s a problem! It really can be anything and it is important to tell the truth. Yet, on a first date and on national television; don’t you have to wonder if it’s a fair shake? People actually grow sometimes and yet, some do not! I watched an episode that had as the ‘baggage’ a final unveiling that our contestant would never move out of his momma’s house because she cooked, cleaned, and could babysit the kids as they grew up. All I could think about is that at least The Waterboy (Adam Sandler) moved out of his momma’s house. Here are a few of the questions I’ve been asked about Springer’s Baggage show:

  • How soon is too soon to tell the truth?
  • Do you freak out the other person on the first date?
  • Is it OK to keep some secrets (even if you end up getting married)?
  • How is the best way to discuss “baggage” without overreacting?
  • Should some things be “deal-breakers”?  How do you know if you honestly want to know?

Well, clearly there isn’t much of a point freaking out the other person on the first date; only a person with issues would like that! Basically, I can’t see the wisdom in continuing to date someone you know for a fact you would never marry. That is just ridiculously unkind unless they get it too and agree. Of course, then it really isn’t quit dating; rather, it’s a couple of folks sharing a rent car for companionship on a drive to getting dropped off at the Match.com national headquarters.

I believe the more truth the better, but I would offer a couple of boundaries:

  1. The other person honestly wants to know the truth
  2. It’s private (respectful)

Forcing information on someone who doesn’t want to know the gory details is not actually showing much respect for their freedom. Blabbing it out in front of a crowd does show much respect for the relationship. I get it, Springer’s show is a gag…but people can turn gags into grandiose experiments. Why not just ask if they want to know? They may not, but you are
better for offering.
Glaen is the unfolding story of someone learning what real relating is all about, all the while avoiding the 7 Fatal Mistakes of Dating. It does involve being true to yourself and and truthful to the other person. You’ll never get there without the truth, but Springer’s approach overshoots the runway by two canyons and a bottomless lake.
I’d recommend a careful reading of Glaen, but you can watch Springer for one simple reason; there is a macabre comfort in seeing that your baggage isn’t as bizarre at least one other person. You might also see why the person you’ve got (or may have soon) ain’t so bad!

Remember: Dysfunction is not a competition!

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The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE #7

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The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE #6

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The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE #5

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The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE # 4

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The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE # 3

Read Full Post »

The Seven Fatal Mistakes of Dating

This is part of 7 blogs through which I want to introduce you to the fatal mistakes in dating that GLAEN introduces to the reader.  If you have a friend or an older child who is making mistakes (or wants to date with a little more wisdom), then these videos are for you to share far-and-wide.  I’d also love your comments…and go get a copy of GLAEN at your local bookstore, amazon, or www.glaen.com

FATAL DATING MISTAKE # 2

Have the Wrong Goal
✔ Dating just to have fun is a dead end. You really need to have a long term
relationship in mind for it to last.

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From GLAEN, p. 26

Relationship Field Book Journal

Theory 2: Courting
…An old-fashioned prelude to marriage being
re-popularized by some Christians. Courting is
defined by Webster’s as, “to engage in social
activities leading to engagement and marriage.”

At first blush the idea of courting makes a lot of sense.  Doesn’t it make sense to take interacting with the opposite sex as something a little more directed than just having fun till the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard?

Unfortunately, the way it is played out reminds me of my dad’s words of wisdom, “Son, if you are in the ditch, and get out of the ditch and cross the road to the other ditch…you’re still in the ditch.”  Well, many times going from serial dating to courting turns out to be a ditch-to-ditch phenomenon.  I personally have been connected to courting disasters…all well meaning.

The challenge with courting is that it somewhat requires you to ‘commit before your commit’.  In other words, since you are entering the relationship with both eyes (or all four) on marriage, you really need to know that the persons involved are a match for marriage.  The problem is that they rarely really know each other.  So, in the process of getting to know each other they may discover it isn’t a ‘match’ (Glaen gets you started on how to find out if it is a match or not)— but, the wedding invitations have already been bought and mailed.  Well, you get the idea.

Of course, stopping at any point before marriages happens with all kinds of strategies.  But isn’t that sort of the point?  We can tend to elevate the idea of being married (successfully I might add) over actually being committed to (or yea, even love) the person we are considering marrying.

Is there a better way?  I think so… and we might as well call it the ‘way of truth’.  If we follow the truth, and are true to ourselves; we wind up being very attractive to someone who likes who we really are (since we aren’t putting on an act or trying to make something work).  We might want to face it someday— relationships are a gamble; but being true to yourself and finding someone who is the same way is a good a shot at bliss!

Billy Joel penned these words for the song ‘Just the Way You Are‘,


Don’t go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore
I wouldn’t leave you in times of trouble
We never could have come this far
I took the good times, I’ll take the bad times
I’ll take you just the way you are

Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care

I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.

Of course, Billy Joel wrote these words as a birthday present for his now-divorced-from first wife (he split with his 3rd wife in the summer of 2009)…so, as we all know both ‘singing it’ and ‘pulling it off’ can be quite a challenge.

While the words might make some sense at the start of a relationship, they do have two inherent problems:

1.  What if you actually do want someone who is clever in conversation?

2.  Isn’t the person now obligated to ‘never change’ because that is the condition of love the singer established?

Seriously, new hair, new fashions, clever conversation, and complaining that he don’t talk enough will drive the guy singing the song up the wall!

We all tend to grow (we hope) which means you actually may need to renew your commitment and love many times as you build a life with another person.  Being genuine and truthful gives you a much better shot at ‘guaranteeing success’ in a relationship than either serial dating or the premature commitment that often comes with courting.

What to here more?

Go to www.GLAEN.com

Blessing,

Fred Lybrand

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